I Feel It All

In the last few years, several people have told me that I am a poor communicator. Maybe not in so many words, but in statements like, "Why don't you ever talk about what's going on with you?" or "Why can't you be open with me and tell me what's on your mind?" or "You are not a good communicator." I guess that last one is in so many words. Well, after the next few weeks, I'm thinking that everyone's going to be saying the exact opposite, like "Too much information," and "Just shut up already."

My main dream last night was interesting: Sheryl Crow performed a mini-concert during the Sunday morning service at my parents' home church. She was on some sort of church tour and was warmly received at this most unlikely of venues. I think she might have been playing a harp during one of her songs, and she definitely left all her songs featuring beer, one night stands, and hells & damns off the set list. It was still a great concert, though I heard many people complaining that it was too short.

I had a rough night last night. I told Liza earlier that everything is easier in the daylight, and that seems to remain true. Going home at night, new realities set in, and everything seems a bit more unbearable. The future's got me worried such awful thoughts, etc. Sometimes I feel kind of like I'm falling through empty space. How do I abandon my best friend and companion of nearly four years and continue my life with some semblance of normality? That isn't normal; I want to pick up the phone and call him. I have so many things to say. I want to send him a text message that uses the f-word a ridiculous number of times. How do I go back to the times when I was okay with being alone? I used to be so good at being alone. How do I become okay with not knowing anything about his life, when it used to be a life that we pretty much lived together? I need to know whether he's safe and happy, or if he needs some help or learned something new. But now I can't know anything about him, because it hurts too much, those old wounds.

I went way back in my email last night, back to the beginning of our friendship, through the first part of our dating. There was so much happiness there, so much excitement at having found a new friend, having found someone to love life with. Then I found this photo music video that Kevin made me last summer. It is made mostly of pictures from our trips (the boring routines of everyday life don't make very compelling slide shows), but I think it does a pretty good job of capturing the happiness, too.

Currently Listening to:
Pandora Radio